This is so common for women.
Most of us were raised to be people pleasers. We grew up realizing that we were expected to make everyone else comfortable! I watched my mother do this her whole life.
Whether it was a friend or a man, she catered, and because of that, I learned to cater too!
It might sound counterintuitive, but putting everyone else is not “kindness.” In fact, it’s often a form of self-sabotage.
You see when you spend your life orbiting around other people’s suns, you might tell yourself that you just like to help, but eventually, you end up resentful!
It’s martyr syndrome!
Here’s an example.
Have you ever had a friend who seemed to be in crisis a lot? And even if that friend didn’t ask for a lot of help from you, you found yourself calling her often, bringing her dinner, offering to help out, and constantly checking in with her until one day you have HAD IT!
And that’s the day you lose it on her or talk about her to someone else because you feel the relationship is one-sided.
I hate to tell you this, but that’s on YOU! And you’re not alone.
When we learn to orbit around the suns of others instead of our own, we are on the fast path to resentment and regret.
This is especially true in romantic relationships.
But shouldn’t I want to make my man happy?
Yes. But not at the expense of yourself. Not if making him happy causes you to ignore and betray your own needs and certainly not if deep down your acts of kindness of conditional and require reciprocity!
This isn’t your fault. When you’re doing this it’s a deeply rooted fear of abandonment. You hope that if you just give and give and give, this person will never leave you.
You hope that if you meet their needs, you’ll never have to feel the shame of not being enough to them. This is so disempowering.
You are already enough! And you never need to betray yourself to keep a friend OR a man.
The best way to STOP this pattern in its tracks is to take a deep breath and tune into your heart, which is in this case, your sun.
Ask yourself “What is my intention here? Why am I doing this?”
When your intention is clear and unconditional, go for it! Buy the gift, make the call, and help the friend!
But if you tune in and can honestly admit that there is some ulterior motive, even if that motive is just to avoid abandonment, keep yourself in check!
This is something my private clients and I go DEEP with because most of the women who come to me are successful in every other area of their lives but have decades of people-pleasing programming to release. And it’s POWERFUL once you do!
I take a few private clients per year. If you’d like to learn more about how to work with me privately, click here.